Things that might get in the way of our friendship

I seem to gravitate towards lists of things on Fridays. I'm thinking of making Fridays 'List Friday', but as soon as I do that then I'll feel bound and constrained by my own invention and flake out on it so we will just keep it informal for now, ok? Here are a few things that might not end our friendship, I still value your friendship but damn it... some of these have got to go:
  • Calling a GIF file a 'Jif'. Jif is a brand of peanut butter. A GIF [say g-if, like Frank GIFford], is a Graphic Interchange Format filename. Not a Jraphic Interchange Format filename. I'll give you a few weeks on this one, you have been saying it wrong for the better part of 4 years.
  • Saying 'Let's touch bases'. It's touch base. Touch base. Touching bases sounds pornographic and I want no part in your swordplay.
  • Inviting me to do interesting stuff when you know I have a child on the way (and sometimes chastising me afterward). I've been offered concert tickets, camping trips, surfing, nights out boozing... I'm having a kid here people...within days. I'm not leaving Allison's side, even if the Pope was playing with the reunited Beatles and the whole thing was sponsored by Fort Knox and they were giving out gold bars at the door. I prefer to think of the world as bland and uninteresting until after the child is out and I am back up to leaving the house. [Ok, that's totally untrue. If they added U2 as an opener I would so be there. Call me? ]
  • Looking shocked when I honk at you. Yes, you. You just cut me off, don't look surprised. Look apologetic.
  • Liking bad music. Look, if you were an expert with wine you wouldn't let me drink a 1999 Fetzer Cabernet Savignon? It's piss you would say, with a snotty air. I feel the same way about you and the current Top 40. Except that Pink song. That is genius. 'I'm coming up', man who'd a thunk it.
  • People that keep lists of annoyances. Shouldn't you be doing something better with your time. Jerks. [Yeah, it's meant to be ironic. Damn, I think I'm funny sometimes.]
  • Calling my house with a 'special offer'. Ok, we can never be friends. I just can't stand telemarketers. You might even get hit with a sock full of quarters.
  • Owning a huge telecom company. You own AT&T, Bell South, Cingular Wireless, or the like, and now you want to be friends? I dont think so. You might not even have a soul. All my friends must have souls, it's a little rule that I've developed that seems to work well. Can you hear me now?
Ok, I think that's enough for now. If I think of any more I'll keep them to myself.

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