Aug 31, 2001

CNET Shopping Guide vs. the 1979 Sears Wishbook
Either of the aforementioned would be the same amount of help to me right now. I am trying to get reviews and info on the lastest laptops, however CNET's (they own a lot of domains don't they) hasn't updated past the 700 mhz series of Intel processors. I also heard is closing, which is also run by CNET. I just ask that they don't kill anytime soon. What is your favorite place for timely notebook/laptop information?

Aug 30, 2001

Items I would like for my birthday that Amazon won't let me put on my wishlist
I would be more than happy to send you my address if you have any of the above.
Chapter 28 or Happy Birthday to me
Only 2 things you can do when you lie awake much too early on your birthday. Roll over and try to work yourself back into that dream where your are in your house using the outdoor grill (but it's not really your house!) or wake up and get a jump on the next year of your life.

Birthday greetings to Mr. Onfocus himself, pb turns 28 today as well.

Aug 29, 2001

Three wrongs don't make a right

It's been a year since I told you of my wacky adventures with people calling my business line and asking for all sorts of places that are certainly not the home of my consulting practice. I bring this up again because there has been a resurgence in the frequency of the calls, some of which I have finally gotten to the bottom of.

All of the requests for 'Bastard Convalescent Home' have turned out to really be calling for 'Bassard Convalescent Home' and is one digit off of my number. Enunciation is key in a phone call of this nature. What really bothers me is that someone thought that 'Bassard' was a fitting name for an old folks home. I don't care if your last name is Bassard get with the program and look into something like 'Pleasant Acres Rest Home' , 'Happy Sams Retirement Village' or 'Your Kids Will Always Visit You Home for the Aged'. I guess it could be worse, they could be named Dirkweed Retirement Home.

The calls that really get me are calls for the pest control place. These folks always call with a bit of panic in their voices. They usually just blurt out whatever pestilence is currently troubling them before I can get them to wrap their heads around the fact that I haven't any toxins that can do them any good. If I did I wouldn't have a perpetual ant problem in my kitchen.

My favorite recent pest control call was the woman who finally came to grips with the fact that I wasn't whatever number she was trying and said, 'Are you sure you can't help me anyway?' I envisioned a scenario whereby I would quote her my hourly rate for hornets nest removal and then ran to the Piggly Wiggly to pick up some cans of Raid and a bug bomb for good measure. I would scrawl 'Jason's Bug Control and Web Consulting Service' on an old t-shirt to give myself that professional look and come back with 30 to 40 good stings. I passed on the oppourtunity but maybe if it was just a mouse or caterpillars I will give it a whack.

War makes people do crazy things but c'mon...
Now I love corny dialogue and far fetched plotlines in my war stories, but the beautiful Pier Angeli throwing herself at tank driver Telly Savalas? Not likely. At least there are plenty of explosions and tanks, if your into that sort of thing.

Aug 28, 2001

Baby. Baby. Pirate. Aw.. wait pirates are wild!
Apu and Manjula find out they are pregnant in Simpsons Episode, Eight Misbehavin with this crazy home pregnancy tester. Click to play a clip.
That's right kids, Allison and I are expecting. Told you I was busy. Sometime in early April I should be keeping hours more closely akin to a heroin addict ... and I can't wait. I have been dying to tell people and we will have told the last of our immediate family and friends by the time you read this.

Everything is going really well, we have been to the doctor to see this little peanut-sized Shellen spinning around and raving with a heartbeat in the 140 to 180 bpm range (Don't worry, totally normal at this age.) Allie is only about 8 weeks along now. She's pretty nauseous, but we are told it should only last another month or so.

We have been having some fun telling the sets of in-laws and our siblings. My favorite reaction so far was Allison's family a couple of weeks ago. Allison nonchalantly said one evening in her parents kitchen, 'Hey, guess who's having a baby?" Expecting to hear some juicy piece of after church gossip or celebrity trash, her Mom and older sister, Julianne mouths both dropped when she excitedly proclaimed 'ME!'. Julianne went into instant paralysis. She couldn't talk for about a minute. Oddly enough, her brother had the same reaction the very next day. Jaw wide open and paralysis. It's a pretty good trick, I am sure it's only a one time use sort of thing unfortunately.

Anyway, I am hoping that I haven't caused any of you out there paralysis with this news. Blink twice if you can hear me. Good, we need you for the online shower in a few months ... and close your mouth.

[image courtesy of Fox and The Simpsons episode, Eight Misbehavin' ]

Aug 23, 2001

RE:Radio silence
It's not that I don't have a lot to say. It that I am lacking permission, time, and the right words.

Happy Birthday [b]!

Aug 16, 2001

Summer reruns
I must be a creature of habit. I am sick. Last year, same time... sick. I wish my body would get over the past and move on. August would be much more fun without phlem.


Aug 14, 2001

I'm a bad kid
Just answered a few email from last week. It should make me feel like a rock star i.e. ('I'm so important that I receive so much mail') instead I feel like a heel i.e ('You insensitive creep, these people spent time sending you email... way to negate their humanity.. or something). I've been busy. I hate that damn word. Busy. Who isn't you pretentious jerk? (I say to myself). Self hating and loathing aside, the very few people who really know what is going on personally, thank you for your patience. To the rest, I will be a new man by weeks end I can feel it. Now on to old business...

I have had a spot all polished and picked out for crazy little flights of fancy that I create from time to time on this site. I called it Features and it sat in the lower left corner of the navigation box up there for a loooooong time. Essays, dirty limmericks, poems, sonnets (isn't a sonnet the same thing as a poem, really?) and other things could go into a features section theoretically. Today it lives. For now you will have to make do with a template I made for Blogger users a while back that I finally published and an essay I wrote a while ago that I dug up for you dear reader. Look for more in the features section soon.

Aug 13, 2001

Have they gone to far?
Sure X10 has annoying adds but at least they are now allowing people to become more in tune hygenically with their pets. [Don't view right after eating breakfast.]

Aug 9, 2001

Now with more flakes
You may have noticed that has been acting a bit flaky. I have to hit refresh about 2 times to get a decent connection to the site. I suggest you do the same. I am looking into the problem. People need their wry commentary on life after all and quickly.
The correct way to sell out
If your going to sell out, sell out BIG. Like put a Life Saver where there should be an O in your company name. Criminy how long has been pulling this one?

Aug 8, 2001

Shellen brothers Surfin' Safari
Taylor, Jason and Slim circa 1993. Slim is leaving for college in a few weeks and has no more baby fat. This is the last of the dirt we hold on him. Just kidding we're brothers. We have way more dirt.

Aug 4, 2001

Get your 80's era game groove on

If you and I were friends in the early to mid eighties then you were either a) the kid that supplied me with cracked floppies of the latest games for the Commodore 64 or b) liked Duran Duran or c) knew more BASIC than I did. I was a bit obsessed with computers. In fact Dad worked for Commodore computers for a while. One day he came home with a boat load of joysticks, software and AtariSoft cartridge games for the C64. Taylor and I thought we had died and gone to heaven. Pac Man, Ms. Pac Man, Moon Patrol, Pole Position, Centipede and more... they were all in the box! An arcade had landed in my dining room.

I don't really play, or have much time for, video games anymore. I don't have a console system. I have a couple of PC CD's of driving games and standard shoot 'em up stuff but nothing comes quite as close to the real excitement of jumping over those craters in Moon Patrol or releasing the oil slick in Spyhunter. If you sold your Commodore at a garage sale like I did a few years ago you can now rekindle the old flame. Download a C64 emulator at Computer Brains and a few games (disk images) at's : Area64 or try The emulators are much better than they were a few years ago and are even being updated regularly. Now if you will excuse me I need to see if I can still finish the final mission in Raid over Moscow.

Aug 2, 2001

Drive thru scenery
While in Pacific Grove for a much too brief anniversary getaway, Allison and I decided to take the 'world famous' 17 mile drive thru Pebble Beach in Carmel. Did you know they charge you $8 just to see this scenic stretch. Wow. I guess there is a reason the folks that live there are rich... they don't stop taking your dough. Note to self, start charging people who use the sidewalk out in front of my house. Thanks to those of you who emailed your congratulations on 3 great years of marriage. Here's to many more like it.

Longtime reader, first time writer (who knew I had readers, let alone longtime readers) Jeff Lash, points out other misheard lyric sites and resources:

Aug 1, 2001

Three years ago today...
The honeymoon is still going strong.